Between The Sheets

Five Stars for Couples Talk!

If there’s ever a subject that’s tricky to talk about it’s sex.

Yes, we are bombarded with it in the media, in films and television, but let’s be honest, very little of that relates to the average person’s experience.

And we could be excused for thinking that monogamous sex with a lifelong partner is really rather passé.

So it was a real delight to have Emma Waring as our guest in our last Couples Talk, “Between the Sheets”.

Emma is a specialist nurse and psychosexual therapist and she really knows her onions.

Emma took us through the seasons of sexual intimacy, openly and honestly chatting through some of the most common challenges that we encounter in married sex at different stages of our relationship.  There were lots of ‘a-ha’ moments as well as some ‘really?’ ones!  As one listener said: “This is an eye-opener, you won’t hear this anywhere.”

So, why is sex so important?

Sex is a very powerful way to connect with your partner, to show love and also how you delight in them. Physical touch is a powerful way to convey a message and sex sets the relationship apart from any other relationship you have. It is a gift from God. But like anything else in a marriage, we change, our situation changes, our relationship changes and these can all have a knock-on effect on our physical intimacy.  Emma highlighted the importance of being able to talk about sex with our partner and to do this in a way that acknowledges the vulnerability of such a conversation.

This is an eye-opener, you won’t hear this anywhere.

This Couples Talk was full to the brim of lots of practical advice on how to talk about sex with your spouse and what to do if you face common challenges.  One thing that really struck me was the importance of isolating the variables in what your issues might be:

1. Is it Functional/physical? Is there something impacting your body in having sex (eg erectile

dysfunction, vaginismus)

2. Is it relational? What’s the state of our relationship like? Are there hurts or unresolved conflicts?

3. Are we enjoying what we’re doing? Is it boring or unpleasant?

4. Are we making time for sex? Are we being intentional in scheduling in time for sexual intimacy?

If you can identify the specific issue(s), you’re much more able to deal with it.

You may be thinking ‘well we don’t have any of these issues’, but Emma emphasised the importance of still making time to talk because if we can learn how to talk about sex when things are going well, we’ll be much more able to communicate when problems do arise.

Emma also talked about scheduling in sex.  This might sound a far cry from the spontaneous and passionate sex we are led to believe we should all be having, but actually this can be about managing expectations which are so often the root of disappointment and hurt in a marriage.  Putting regular times in your diary can actually build the anticipation which can fuel arousal. It can also eliminate possible fears and feelings of rejection.

At the end of Couples Talk, we always have time for a Q&A. We allowed for a longer time and the questions just kept on coming! Here are some of the things we covered:

“How regularly should we have sex?” “What does God think of sex?” “What if we have different sex drives?” “What if sex is painful?” “Is it ok to use sex toys?”. A-ha and really?

If you’d like to know the answers to some of these and more questions, then I highly recommend you watch this Couples Talk. Emma communicated in such a disarming, knowledgeable and comfortable way that it is no wonder that all the feedback rated this with five stars.

We would also recommend Emma’s excellent book “Seasons of Sex & Intimacy”.

To read more on the topics covered in this article take a look at our Couples Talk Takeaways.

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