What is the first thing that springs to mind when you think of Christmas? Presents, food, carols by candlelight, time off work, family? But what might be some of the subheadings for those things? – expense, overindulgence, long, dark evenings, working like crazy to meet deadlines, arguments?  Christmas should be a time of celebration, joy, peace and thankfulness, but it can also be one of the most stressful times of the year, not least in our relationships. It is no coincidence that one of the busiest times of the year for marriage counsellors is in January. 

Well, that’s not a very cheery start to thinking about Christmas I hear you say.  But this is all about being forewarned so you can be forearmed, or rather, fore-equipped. 

So why is the Christmas season so often a stress trigger and why does that often spill out into our most important relationships? 

Let’s identify what can cause stress in the first place so we can reduce or eliminate those catalysts. Then we’ll have a think about how we can manage the remaining stress as a couple by putting in some easy, practical strategies. 

You may have your own unique stressors but I’m pretty confident we can boil them down into four main areas: Finances, Unrealistic Expectations, Energy, and Family dynamics. 

These things of course are not exclusive to the Christmas season, but those few weeks in December often create the environment for all four to coincide in a perfect storm of tension and anxiety. 

Money. We will inevitably spend more at Christmas: Food & drink, presents, travelling to visit loved ones, going out for another work-do, a new outfit, heating the house for longer hours, and at 85p a pop-even sending Christmas cards second class feels like an extravagance! According to the Bank of England, the average household spends an extra £740 in December so even if we are blessed to have enough of it the rest of the year, that is a significant amount of money to make up for these few short days. Overspending, and having different opinions about how to spend is a recipe for conflict in a marriage. 

Unrealistic Expectations.  There can be a lot of overlap with this and money anxiety where our expectations revolve around the material. It seems like our stores roll out their Christmas stock earlier and earlier each year and we are constantly bombarded with unattainable lifestyles on the television and social media. You may feel pressure to have all your family in matching pyjamas as they sip on their exclusive hand-frothed Swiss chocolate mochaccino’s smelling of Dior’s latest fragrance and offer twenty ‘not just’ vegetable side dishes to your roast pheasant, but is it all really necessary? 

you would have an all-out meltdown, if you had the energy

Tiredness. So, we’ve arrived at the end of the longest school term. You’ve had some Christmas-related event every night of the week and now you’ve just got in from the post-apocalyptic world of Tescos where you almost came to blows with an old lady over the last pack of stuffing mix. You’ve caught the cold that everyone else had last week and to top it all you and your spouse have got to sleep on the tiny, lumpy pull-out bed because in a fit of kindness you offered your bed to your mother-in-law who’s arrived a day earlier than invited. You would have an all-out meltdown, if you had the energy. 

Family Dynamics. We all have ‘em! Even if your household is a haven of tranquility most of the year, add an extra relative in to the mix and your usually finely tuned machine of domestic bliss can come to a stuttering stop.  Even if your brother is the nicest guy on the planet, you will have different ways of doing things and can soon feel the friction. On top of that, you’ve gone to stay with your parents-in-law and suddenly your wife has regressed to her 16-year-old single self, oblivious to you and filling up with the angst of her parents’ rocky marriage. 

You may only relate to a few of these things but even a few can ignite marital conflict. It is normal. 

So rather than shout ‘Bah Humbug!’ and miss out on the fun, what can we do to manage the inevitable tensions? 

saying ‘no’ to things and knowing what you want to prioritise

Set realistic expectations: This includes deciding on a budget you can afford and cutting your coat according to your cloth. This principle applies to time and energy as well. It means saying ‘no’ to things and knowing what you want to prioritise. Take a break from adverts and social media in the run up to Christmas so you know what is important to you and not what you are told you should be buying and doing. 

So planning is a good thing, being organised,  thinking ahead and working out the details together, delegating your jobs and not being afraid to ask for help.  But it also means going with the flow and being flexible. The past three years, I’ve come down with a cold usually about a week before Christmas – no big deal but it has meant not attending events I had planned and not doing a lot of the prep I’d envisaged for my big family get together.  It’s been frustrating but in the grand scheme of things, it hasn’t impacted anyone’s Christmas dramatically. And if I don’t mention the big gingerbread model of Ely Cathedral I intended to make, no one will actually know. Or care. I’m not that indispensable! 

Prioritise your spouse: We said earlier about the importance of knowing what you want to prioritise, so if your partner wasn’t on that list, add them in!  The chances are they’re feeling just as overwhelmed and making sure you are both on the same page and committed to supporting one another goes a long way to nailing Christmas as a team.  Grace and forgiveness are vital ingredients in this. When your partner is being just a tad bit irritating and tetchy, exercise grace rather than picking up on it. Maybe they’re actually feeding off your angst so choosing to love can solve the problem for both of you. Make sure you carve out time in the busyness to connect with each other. Tell them what you love and appreciate about them. Tension spreads tension but so does peace spread peace. 

Finally, and most importantly, remember the reason for the season.  Undergirding all these helpful tips is something way more profound. Why do we even celebrate Christmas? 

A vicar in Hampshire recently got into a lot of bother for telling 10–11-year-olds that Father Christmas is not real, instead explaining the story of the nativity. Parents were in uproar, and he was forced to apologise to the bereft kids whose magical belief of Santa leaving their presents was shattered. Or maybe the kids were more traumatised at discovering aged 11 that their parents had lied to them this long. Out of the top 25 most googled Christmas-themed searches in 2023 – not one had to do with the birth of Jesus. Do you think we might have missed the plot a little bit? Christmas is not about the material or extravagance; it’s not about running ourselves ragged and it is definitely not about Father Christmas.  

the original Christmas story

The story of the Nativity is about God’s son being stripped of all the riches and glory of a heavenly life and being born into the simplest setting you can imagine. His life would be one of service and suffering. The original Christmas story deals with the original problem of people ignoring God and choosing their own priorities.  And it’s not an order but an invitation – to sit alongside the shepherds at that manger and worship Emmanuel, God with us, not distant, but here in amongst the mess of life. He wants to indulge us in his unconditional love and make right and reprioritise our relationship with him 

If we consider Christmas as a celebration of this historical event then yes, let’s celebrate with family and friends. But let’s also remember that it doesn’t need to be about depleting our money and bodies, and central is the making right of a relationship. 

So, let me encourage you to take time to read the gospel of Luke this Christmas. You’ll get the full Christmas story, but that’s just the beginning of the greatest story ever told….